* it's a long post. read only if you have the patience.

it's a love hate darn complex situation right now.

and now, i finally understand why celebrities are so skinny. i remember reading one of Joanne Peh's entry titled "Can we please our man and the camera too?" It's actually saying about female celebrities having to stay slim so as to look just right on screen. But most guys won't be in love with that bony you. So i guess it's tough to please both, right?

so i copied and paste the above quote from Joanne Peh's website.

yes, i like this very much. it's never easy to find a person to accept you for who you really are, such as your occupation, background etc.

There are many times whereby we are constantly comparing ourselves to someone else and saying, "I want to do be like her. I want to be better than that person." When we end up achieving getting what we want, are we really happy? When was the last time you were really yourself?

I get this feeling that I have been constantly doing what others want me to do.

I love eating. yes, i'm one who does. But i always end up not doing so. Because of self-consciousness. I fear people calling me fat.

Then i decided to go on a diet so that I will look better. This is due to the baby fats on my cheeks and at the usual spots. Then I have my parents, relatives and friends going, "you're thin enough." Then they tell me, "You look fatter."

And yes, we all know humans are visual animals. We will definitely look at the one who appeals to you more. Let me tell you, if i were to post my no make-up photo and my basic make-up photo, i'm sure you'll start voting for my basic make-up photo.

A slim and slender woman vs a plump woman. Tell me, who would you give a second look?

A curvy and sexily dressed lady vs an average dressed lady. Who would you give your second look to?

If i ever had the chance, i would wear body hugging clothes. As much as I wish to, I can't. It's not a matter of if i'm busty or not. It's another reason. If you can ever have the chance, read at what I wrote almost one year ago. Which I bet you'll never succeed in doing so.

And it's not that I'm being a person which the environment wants me to be.

I have been a person whom i myself want to be.

Examples?

Not heeding the advice of my doctor which lead me to not being able to wear body hugging clothes. But somehow i still think it wouldn't be a much difference if i ever listened to him.

Another example? Being the stubborn me. When I make up my mind on something, it's never easy for me to change it. 2 years ago, being the real innocent kid, thinking that I can make it big in the modelling industry with just a portfolio. Then reality really hit me hard. Slowly i learned bit by bit. It wasn't easy to psycho myself saying i can do it. I shan't let people down. Yes, there is one person whom I can never let down. I remember your words.

"You must have the confidence just like I have in you."

god, now i feel like tearing.

it seems like for everything that i want my way, it doesn't end up in a good way.

but i hope that the next thing i want will be good.

The above is just sudden thought(s) on my mind.

Now for the proper post.

I wasn't in a good mood today. Just let me talk more. I didn't really have the chance to talk today ok. Afterall, I was the one who chose this current situation. Can't blame anyone.

oh yes, half-korean boy's coming to Singapore! yippie! yes, i mean mr. zhang huai qiu Harry.

but, ain't going for the countdown party. unless i get VIP seats. haha. i'm ok with crowded places. But i'm NOT ok with extreme crowded places.

suddenly, i have no idea what to blog after blogging bout the above thought(s).

oh ya. i want to sing k.

and now i rmb. my cantonese is really CMI.

oh yes, as i repeat again, my stage name's ASHLEY.

but maybe when i get used to people calling me by that name, i might just use it in my daily life.

time to change name on facebook.